After this and Werewolf, I think I'm on the Joe Estevez fan club. This guy is all over the place. He's like Eric Roberts - just takes over the screen when he's on it. His brother Martin Sheen seemed to find that balance of quiet hysteria but Joe...he just lets it go. Plus he's done 10,000 movies like my hero ER. Where's Joe Estevez's Dark Knight huh?

Anyway, Deathbed. I kind of wanted to just talk about Joe but I guess I'll reference the movie a little. Deathbed is almost considered a softcore porn except for glaring problem - no nudity. There was a LOT of shooting around the main actresses' apparent issues with on-screen nudity, despite half the movie being the two main, annoying as shit characters pounding each other into the ground. One scene, I'm not kidding, has Jerry holding on to Karen's naked boobs with both hands like they are ripe melons as she grinds him (with a robe and undies on - you know, like real sex). This woman was obviously not hired for her acting skills, so what in the hell was this about? In fact, when Karen and Joe Estevez find the evil Destructo-bed, the camera makes a point to look down Karen's shirt (via Joe Estevez's dirty old man stare) where everything is there before God and taxes. But in the 23847329 sex scenes, nothing. I just don't understand. It's inconsistent dammit!

Unfortunately this takes up most of the movie. It's either the overly love-infatuated couple screwing, talking about screwing, or pretending to be artistic drawing and taking awful pictures, then screwing afterwards. Then talking about it some more. One of the first times actually is when they first move into the crazy apartment. The mover walks up and says, "Where you want the bed?" It instantly cuts to the couple banging their brains out (fully clothed of course). Pretty awesome.

The whole thing is a pretty obvious set-up, and the big bad ghost monster makes no sense whatsoever. Ol' Dirtymouth McCrazyeyes comes out of the bed or mirror or whatever and makes people strap each other to the bed and...choke each other...for some reason. Then one of his past victims...well...she seduces guys and then turns into Megan Fox and we all scream. At least I did, that was horrifying.

These are stupid crackers too. There's a room upstairs that has screams and banging and ghosts that you've seen over and over, let's stick around and SLEEP ON THE DAMN BED! I'm all for skepticism about the paranormal but good gosh-a-mosey. There comes a point, man, there comes a point.

A few good laughs are to be found, usually by my new friend Joe Estevez (a lot of the times he laughs right along with you!), but they are too few and far between. The rest of the movie doesn't really have any payoff - no gore to speak of except the very end where Karen makes someone's head explode with a hammer. Actually I made that sound way cooler than it is, it just kind of...melts. See it to complete your Joe Estevez collection but quickly hide it to disguise your shame.

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