This movie has more walking scenes than the Lord of the Rings trilogy combined. They pointlessly drag on like you wouldn't believe. In fact, remove those scenes and you probably have a 30-40 minute movie. * Note to screen writers: Adding pointless scenes as fillers does not help your movie. End Note *

Aside from the endless walking scenes, this one isn't that bad. It has the blood, the gore, the Casio enhanced musical score. Not to mention it is dubbed over from Italian. I mean how can you go wrong? The acting is great, and the lead girl is a cross between someone with terrets and Elvis. If it had not been for the endless walking scenes, I really would have rated this much higher. I mean, someone's hands actually got smashed off into a rock! And there were exploding heads and bodies! Even an evil monster out of the evil leads privates!

I would definitely recommend a rental, and buying it wouldn't cost that much more. Just have some other things going on in the background to get you through the endless walking scenes.

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"Evil Clutch" indeed.

So at Sundance, I got to see a little movie called Teeth detailing the events of a woman with teeth in her vagina. While I'm watching, I think, "Wow...what a crazy idea." Lo and behold, we pop this goofy ass thing in, and one of the first things we see is a woman with a whole ARM growing out of her hoo-ha. "Damn," I say to myself.

Though it hasn't been explored to its fullest, I'm still amazed there are two movies out there that explore the fear men have of vaginas...though, to be honest, this movie isn't exactly what I'd called "smart," unlike Teeth. What is it then?

Well, let's see: Number One, there is a woman that starts talking like Elvis. No, not on purpose...I guess? Seriously, like Wolf says, one of the women in the movie just starts spouting out these quick lines that sound like she's from the middle of Tennessee, for no reason. Everyone else is (HORRIBLY) dubbed over with various European accents that usually end up being incredibly indecipherable. It makes no sense at all. And it doesn't happen just like once, there are a few times that she busts out with this stupid accent, and even once she sounded to me like she was fresh off the streets of Brooklyn. I just don't get it.

Also like Wolf said, you haven't seen walking sequences until you watch this crap. "Filler" doesn't begin to describe it...when one of the opening scenes is a five minute long walking extravaganza I knew we were in for a long haul. The penultimate scene is a ten minute long stumble through the woods as the camera follows one of the characters. Going for long shots is fine and dandy, but come on man...have a point to them! One such long shot actually kind of worked, if a little awkward; a monster is swinging a scythe or something at Elvis Lady as she runs down a crowded corridor. It's all one shot and not too bad, at least in theory.

Once the thing gets going, there's actually quite a bit of gore. Heads coming off (and exploding?), bodies melting, the red stuff starts flowing about midway through and doesn't really stop, which definitely helped my score you see below. If it wasn't for all those dumbass walking sequences...

I tell you, though, I felt like the world's biggest asshole when I started thinking "Jesus that writer guy's voice is annoying!" when it turns out he has a voice box...oops.

Best part: The original Italian title? "The Forest." WOW. "Evil Clutch" indeed, vagina monster.

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