Professor Saxton discovers a fossil in a cave in China. He believes it to be the "missing link" that connects humans with their ape ancestors.
He boxes it up and takes it to the train station, where a thief attempts to break into the crate. He is then killed.
Dr. Wells, Saxton's colleague, escalates things further when he hires a baggage guy to break into the crate. When he does, he is killed, and the creature inside escapes.
The ancient red-eyed staring contest winner goes around the train shoving marshmallows into people's eyes while Saxton, Wells, and Irina the Countess try and figure out the mystery. But will it be in time before the train flies off a cliff for absolutely no reason?

Professor Saxton - Christopher Lee!
Dr. Wells - Peter Cushing!
Captain Kazan - Telly Savalas!
Inspector Mirov - Julio Peña!
Irina - Silvia Tortosa! (wait, who?)

Directed by - Eugenio Martín
Written by - Arnaud d'Usseau & Julian Zimet

Random violence - yes
Pointless nudity - no
Uppercuts - no
Real acting (???)- yes
Pimp 'Searching' music - yes

Did he pass out? No, just the cameraman.
Wicked Witch of the East is dead!
That was uncalled for!
Where'd the snow on his arm come from? Is it glued on?
Ok, he didn't say TAP it with the axe.
Why is she screaming like a car alarm?
Why is nothing moving outside the window?
Extreme eye exam sequence!
Apparently 'behind me' means 'run across the room.'
They just happen to have a track that leads off a cliff??

Saxton - "Can I be of some assistance, Faddaaa?"

Inspector - "What is a fossil?"
Saxton - "A stone."
Pujardov - "Stoooooones."

Countess - "Ah, yes, England. Queen Victoria, crumpets, Shakespeare."

Pujardov - "There's the stink of hell on this train."

Dr. Wells - "What are the symptoms?"
Inspector - "He's dead."

Dr. Wells - "Ms. Jones, I need your assistance."
Ms. Jones - "At your age, I'm not surprised."

Pujardov - "You think evil can be killed with bullets? Satan liiiiives!"

Inspector - "There's been talk of getting off the train. Well, you can forget it."

Kazam - "Even though I believe in God, I don't liketobemadeafoolof!"

Actually, everything Telly Savalas says!

Dr. Wells - "Monster? We're British, man."