Ok....damn. I always get nervous when box art tells me that it's the "most depraved, sickening movie ever made and it was banned from Earth and now we snuck in this special copy just for you but don't watch it cause you'll die and stuff," because I know when I pop that thing in it's not only going to disappoint me but I might get a rash and possibly dropkick my TV. Yeah, I know that most of the box art we come across here has such messages, what I'm trying to tell you is I'm a very nervous person and I need help.

Anyway, this is our second movie from awesome not-crappy director Fred Olen Ray. Alien Dead wasn't what I would call a masterpiece, though I would call it such things as "crap" and "like scraping your blistered tongue across lemon and salt coated sandpaper razors that spray cancer coated AIDS," so you can tell I was excited to watch Scalps.

The first thing we see: a decapitation. Relief settles in like a wave of euphoria carried by cherubs.

Then - the movie starts. Two days later, we finally get to the actual storyline. The kids start dying for almost no reason, there's some mask that looks like a Muppet with glowy eyes exploding everywhere, I'm totally lost.

While this sounds like fun and games, the action and plot are few and far between. There's probably two seconds of exposition, then we get to the killing, which with two exceptions are basically implied cutaway deaths. Unless in some country I'm not aware of the idea of not seeing someone die and implying their death while having the worst music ever playing in the background is considered "sick and depraved," I'm calling major foul. You can't sit there and build this thing up like it's going to be sex on wheels and then pull back at the last minute!

On top of all this, the movie is set up like The Hills Have Eyes; people go out into the desert, start dying by the hands of indigenous people that they encounter. Unfortunately, it isn't as hardcore or well planned out as that film, and we're left with this jumbled crapola that is not only barely watchable but also impossible to listen to.

The only points I gave it were for the great decapitation (though there are two, technically, but it's a damn repeat!) and one (1) scalping. Yeah, one scalping, which if I'm reading the title correctly, WAS THE FOCUS OF THE DAMN MOVIE. There's a little nudity, but it's not very welcome, considering the context of the scene. Not recommended.

On a side note, I read that the movie was hacked to pieces by the studio. That's fine, and I understand, but I have to judge what I see. And what the hell was up with that damn lion ghost thing???

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Does the music ever stop? I mean really, each scene with music lasted at least 15 minutes. The same overdramatic, ear piercing music. If I could hand out a negative because of the music, I would.

So some college students go on an archealogical dig in the desert somewhere. They are warned by a crazy indian guy not to go to where the "black trees" are, so that is where they go. Long story short, they get attacked by possessed evil spirits. Truly was a poorly put together film, and the company who put it together actually apologized for it before hand! Back to the bad music, not only was it bad, it was sometimes so loud you couldn't hear the people talking. I really think it was added over the movie by the company releasing it. And as for one of the blonde chicks, Ellen, why would you wear high heel boots to go hiking in the desert? I mean, someone please explain that one to me, because I'm really confused.

All of that being said, one of the characters said it best when they said "I know this is boring". Ding Ding Ding! You're the winner! You hit the nail on the head!

I'll give it more than a zero for the apology before hand and the high heels in the desert. Other than that, a total waste of time.

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