How can you make a sequel to the original James Cameron Titanic? You can't. That's why this isn't a sequel, but a story about the Titanic 2, a ship named after the Titanic. Bigger, faster, and built like a mall lobby, this ship was destined to fail even before it set sail. The movie shares the same fate.

As with most low budget movies, you expect bad acting. Not this bad though. Usually you'll have one shining star, such as Eric Roberts, to bring the sub par performance of the rest of the cast back to average. We don't even get that. The closest we come is with the Bruce Davison, who was Senator Kelly in X-Men. And he is even awful in this one.

Luckily the visuals were over the top. Well, over the top if you were filming in 1985. The ship had no texture, and may as well been cell shaded. The water was over reflective, flat, and again lacked texture. They obviously spared no expense and got someone with a weeks worth of experience in 3d Studio Max.

The music is even a lame attempt at a ripoff of the Celine Dion and James Horner soundtrack.

Definitely stay away from this movie. And when they decide to release a ship in real life called the Titanic 2, stay far away from that as well. Even if it does have "Ice Cube Detectors."

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While the huge set of balls that Shane van Dyke apparently has thinking that a second Titanic would actually work is admirable, I can't say that Titanic 2 is quite as hilarious is it should've been. The trailer had me thinking it was going to be a laugh out loud crapfest from the first wave to the last iceberg, but it was unfortunately way more boring than I thought.

It wasn't without its hilarity, though. Like Wolf said, the special effects would've been epic circa 1934. When at the very beginning the "iceberg" started crumbling apart looking like something out of an old Sega CD game, I knew we were in trouble. The repeated (stock footage) shots of the ship sailing through the endless ocean were just as bad. I really don't know why they even bothered with the computer effects, just go buy a plastic bath toy and film that instead, it would've looked the same.

Wolf joked (I assume he was joking...) before we started the movie that he was worried it was going to be "too legit." I think he meant that if the movie was going to end up another romance like the...um, "original," that we would be in for a rough ride. Of course that sentiment is hilarious now, because we probably would've been better off with a romance film considering the borderline offensively idiotic Poseiden Adventure rip-off we got. How many giant tsunami waves can there be with a little iceberg falling into the ocean? In a row? I still maintain they were actually in a wave pool at the local Adventure Fun Time Water Park. See? They would've won out had they used the plastic toy boat.

If you're really up for it, you might give it a rental, but it's so, so bad. I give up a few points for the balls needed to do it in the first place and Shane van Dyke being Dick van Dyke's grandson. I know he didn't have anything to do with that, but we all need our little victories. Cause Titanic 2 sure as hell ain't one.

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